It is 3 am and I am up reading about stem cell treatment for Autism, reading about biomedical approach and everything else under the sun. I thought, "this is what crazy people do." I even woke up Daniel to talk to him about it. Then I thought, "no, this isn't what crazy people do. It's what moms who want their baby healed from Autism do."
1 year ago, we found out our baby had Autism!! A whole year has went by, granted he is only 2 1/2.... But a whole year. I won't sell Lincoln short for he has made great improvements, but I want more than this. More than just behavior therapy to help control his behavior. I want people that believe Autism can be healed and aren't accepting as this just being a way of life. I WANT MORE! Lincoln deserves more. Don't get me wrong, I am so thankful For everyone that has been apart of Lincoln's care this past year; 17 hours a week of ABA and almost 3 hours of speech a week. I will never accept Autism, I think once I did, it would be (has been) easy to just blend in and think this is ok. But, it's not.
I have tried to maintain everything for the past year like a "normal" mom (what does that even mean?). One who doesn't freak people out talking about Autism too much, don't wanna be "that mom." One who doesn't freak out in social groups when we are talking about what's happening on a TV show or the latest drama....because inside I have thought," shut up..... None of this matters, I have a little boy that needs healed, that needs help, why does this even matter!" I spend most of my time in those conversations feeling like I am in the twilight zone, like I'm on the outside looking in. Am I saying all of the "normal" people are doing anything wrong? Absolutely not, they just truly don't know or understand and frankly their hard times (in some cases) haven't even held a candle to this.
This is the life stuff that no one tells you about, no one prepares you for, they couldn't possibly. This is the meat to life, the hard, can't hardly tear off the bone, kind of meat. The kind that in your darkest hour you hope your faith stands up to and if it doesn't, you better find it fast.
"For I know the thoughts and plans that I have for you, says the Lord, thoughts and plans for and peace and not for evil, to give you hope in your final outcome."(Jeremiah 29:11 AMP)
I feel like I'm closing a chapter in my life and a new one is opening. I'm done ( for now) doing all the "normal" mom stuff, done pretending it's all okay, because truly it's not, But it will be. This new chapter is new focus for me, and getting my little boy healed, branching out and finding more....seeking more. Done settling into thinking this is our only option. I've got too much riding on this, my little boy has too much riding on this. I WANT MORE... It's that simple.
"So I say to you, ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened." (Luke 11:9, 10 NKJV)
"Therefore, [inheriting] the promise is the outcome of and depends [entirely] on faith, in order that it might be given as an act of grace (unmerited favor), to make it stable and valid and guaranteed to all his descendants--not only to the devotees and adherents of the Law, but also to those who share the faith of Abraham, who is [thus] the father of us all. As it is written, I have made you the father of many nations. [He was appointed our father] in the sight of God in Whom he believed, Who gives life to the dead and speaks of the nonexistent things that [He has foretold and promised] as if they [already] existed. [For Abraham, human reason for] hope being gone, hoped in faith that he should become the father of many nations, as he had been promised, So [numberless] shall your descendants be. He did not weaken in faith when he considered the [utter] impotence of his own body, which was as good as dead because he was about a hundred years old, or [when he considered] the barrenness of Sarah’s [deadened] womb. No unbelief or distrust made him waver (doubtingly question) concerning the promise of God, but he grew strong and was empowered by faith as he gave praise and glory to God, Fully satisfied and assured that God was able and mighty to keep His word and to do what He had promised. That is why his faith was credited to him as righteousness (right standing with God). But [the words], It was credited to him, were written not for his sake alone, But [they were written] for our sakes too. [Righteousness, standing acceptable to God] will be granted and credited to
us also who believe in (trust in, adhere to, and rely on) God, Who raised Jesus our Lord from the dead, Who was betrayed and put to death because of our misdeeds and was raised to secure our justification (our acquittal), [making our account balance and absolving us from all guilt before God]. (Romans 4:16-25 AMP)
Before I formed you in the womb I knew [and] approved of you [as My chosen instrument], and before you were born I separated and set you apart, consecrating you; [and] I appointed you as a prophet to the nations. Then said I, Ah, Lord God! Behold, I cannot speak, for I am only a youth. But the Lord said to me, Say not, I am only a youth; for you shall go to all to whom I shall send you, and whatever I command you, you shall
speak. Be not afraid of them [their faces], for I am with you to deliver you, says the Lord. Then the Lord put forth His hand and touched my mouth. And the Lord said to me, Behold, I have put My words in your mouth. See, I have this day appointed you to the oversight nation nations and of the kingdoms to root out and pull down, to destroy and to overthrow,to build and to plant. Moreover, the word of the Lord came to me, saying, Jeremiah,what do you see? And I said, I see a branch or shoot of an almond tree [the emblem of alertness and activity, blossoming in late winter]. Then said the Lord to me, You have seen well, for I am alert and active, watching over My word to perform it. And the word of the Lord came to me the second time, saying,
What do you see? And I said, I see a boiling pot, and the face of it is [tipped
away] from the north [its mouth about to pour forth on the south, on Judea]. Then the Lord said to me, Out of the north the evil [which the prophets had foretold as the result of national sin] shall disclose itself and break forth upon all the inhabitants of the land. For, behold, I will call all the tribes of the kingdoms of the north, says the Lord; and they will come and set every one his throne at the entrance of the gates of Jerusalem, against all its walls round about, and agains all the cities of Judah [as God’s judicial act, a consequence of Judah’s wickedness]. And I will utter My judgments against them for all the wickedness of those who have forsaken Me, burned incense to other gods, and worshiped the works of their own hands [idols]. But you [Jeremiah], gird up your loins! Arise and tell them all that I command you. Do not be dismayed and break down at the sight of their faces, lest I confound you before them and I permit you to be overcome. For I, behold, I have made you this day a fortified city and an iron pillar and bronze walls against the whole land--against the [successive] kings of Judah, against its princes, against its priests, and against the people of the land [giving you divine strength which no hostile power can overcome]. And they shall fight against you, but they shall not [finally]
prevail against you, for I am with you, says the Lord, to deliver you. (Jeremiah 1:5-19 AMP)