There is Beauty in the Breaking.......

I have this freakish type of strength, I know it and most of my friends and family know it. The kind that when life swallows you up, most people have nothing left to give, Only I have always had more to give.....that kind of freakish strength. The kind that allowed me to carry on through a year when I almost lost my sweet baby girl in my womb and had two boys diagnosed on the spectrum. Therapy, crying babies, life with all of it's woes.  "Rough year" is putting it mildly.  Am I saying I didn't have a rough time?  NO! It was heart breaking.  I cried daily for I can't even tell you how long. But there was this crazy type of strength that kicked in that helped me fight through anything.  The kind that the Bible speaks of in Isaiah 40:31;

"but those who hope in the Lord
 will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
    they will run and not grow weary,
    they will walk and not be faint."

Well, these days I would like to find that strength again. I get through life. I'm doing alright.  My family is great, my little boy is a walking, healing miracle ever present in my life daily! But some days are just tough. I HATE to admit that.  I just keep thinking, "snap out of it!"


I'm not depressed.  I'm just tired....so tired. Have you ever heard the song, "Worn" by tenth Avenue North? I don't like to admit this, but I was so turned off by that song. It reminded me of weakness and bad confessions. I could never understand how someone could feel that way, until recently. Tonight it came on the radio and I thought this is exactly how I feel, "WORN."

For 2 1/2 years, it has been one hurdle after another to climb.  I feel like Satan has just attacked my family left and right.  I used to think, we must be doing it all wrong to be attacked like this.  However, the Book of James assures me that I am not.  These trials are here and I should not be surprised. Let me add as a side note, I don't believe God sends the trials.  He can however give me the strength to endure them and break through!  

In January, the Lord reminded me of Mark 6 where Jesus feeds the thousands with 5 loaves and 2 fish. They fed the 5000 (really 15,000 including women/children) from broken pieces (leftovers) from the crowd.

I wrote in the front of my journal in January:

"Gather up the fragments (the broken pieces that are left over),
So that NOTHING may be lost and wasted."

All year, I have thought that meant I had some baggage that I needed to claim so all this healing business could take place. I guess it sort of still means that.  However, I was listening to Chris Caine talk tonight and she preached on this exact message! You would have to listen to it yourself to get the wonder of it all.  But, she talked about how Jesus broke the bread and the miracle was in the breaking. That's how the miracle multiplied. She said, "the power of feeding the multitudes is from your broken pieces." I realized tonight, that I don't have to do everything perfect for full manifestation of healing to come forth in Lincoln's mind.  I can make mistakes.  Life is tough and He never asked me to carry all this and to be flawless in doing so.  I make mistakes, I fall short...DAILY.  But today I realized, "The beauty is in the breaking!" That it's okay to realize it's not all about me, it's not about my strength.  He can still bring forth miracles DESPITE all of my broken pieces! Powerful!

This story is also tied into the same chapter where Jesus walks on water. This miracle happens immediately after the feeding thousands. Right after the Disciples saw Jesus feed the crowds, they already forgot and became fearful when they saw him walking.  Scripture says, "for they had not understood about the loaves; their hearts were hardened."  She said "it's what happens between the miracles that will sustain us." Isn't that the truth?!  I have seen countless miracles in the past couple of years.  Yet, I somehow forget in-between that He is the same God who performed the previous miracle in my life. I, in a sense have also forgotten about the loaves in my own life!  I knew when I heard the message, it was exactly what I needed. In this time of feeling worn in my life, God loves me enough to remind me that He is still here and I will get through this.  I feel like my strength is being renewed in HIM.

May your strength be renewed also and may you not forget about the loaves in your  own life.