"I know that if you have a little one who is acting out or having troubles or that is driving you up a wall, you need to 'leave' what has the bulk of your time and attention and go after that ONE. Make winning their heart a top priority. Don't wait." (Sarah Mae)
I am pretty sure those words leaped off the page and into my heart as I read them. My heart ached because I have the 1 that needs me to leave the 99. His heart isn't turned away from me YET, but it's definitely headed that direction if I don't start pursuing his heart with all of mine.
He's our precious first born. I'll never forget the day he made me a mom and I tell him that too. "You made me a mommy for the first time and it was the happiest day of my life." He grins at me, hugs me and tells me, "You're the best Mom ever." I always feel a twinge of guilt when he says this because I know I'm not. Nope, not even close.
They say kids are resilient and to that I would definitely have to agree. I think in hind sight I have used that to my advantage. My 1 has been the innocent bystander for the past 4 years while we fight the autism battle with his little brother. From his little face I can see the disappointment. I can see that he feels like his needs don't matter as much as his little brother's. I've made him feel like his struggles aren't as important, as if nothing compares to autism.
I have always said, "He's older, why can't he just be easier, more understanding?" I think I've been saying that since his little brother was born, when he was 2. Terrible. I know. If I'm being honest, I can easily recognize his look of defeat when he realizes he can't compete for my time or attention because I'm too busy with school or Facebook or whatever excuse I have at that moment. It's a look that comes too easily these days, fruit of the root for sure.
Somewhere along the way, I started buying him things as a trade off for my time. Just so I could do all of the things I "needed" to do. Or, I would take him to fun places and let him play while I sat reading or scrolling through all of my social media accounts. Terrible. I know. I guess I did (do) these things for him to fill the void of knowing that I wasn't giving him my full attention that he needed. I do this with myself too. Sometimes, it's just easier to be distracted with something meaningless and now I'm passing that behavior on to him. Terrible. I know.
He grew up so fast, too fast. All while I have been busy. Busy with school, autism, yelling, social media, impatience, annoyance and stress from life. The years have passed by more quickly than I had anticipated.
So, I'm quitting all the things that don't matter. Leaving the 99 things (and people) that distract me for the 1. I will make all of my children feel as if they are equal. I want them to feel like they independently matter; that I love all of the wonderful traits that they embody. I want him to feel like he matters. Because. He. Does.
Goodbye to so many things so I can go after the 1.
" I will say no to the outside world, so I can say yes to the people who are my world."